Mixed Emotions...

It's been weeks that I have been having thoughts on moving on and taking a different path. It seems that what I'm doing now is not making me happy anymore. I have been dabbling into cooking, talking my old friends and contacts which makes me more alive and excited. Seeing these people made me realize and recalculate my steps on the next best steps to do. That means doing what I'm good at. Follow my passion in cooking and baking, complete all my plans in the next few months, put a sizeable capital for another business then pay off all my payables etc. Which is working my butt out then start off with a clean slate too. I haven't discussed my plans with my husband but I hope he would support me on this. Guess it's not good to hide my emotions and worries away that leads to at times waking up in unholy hours at night. Yet I don't want to have him fret on or make it such an issue but the thing is...he might have felt it anyways.. After I went home from Auckland to visit my relatives it seems that my life has been altered in a way. I was longing for a life like that in which its really laid back, no pollution, nice rolling hills and greeneries, fresh air and a park in which I so much adored...In which we don't have those kinds here in the Philippines and honestly I fell in love with the place and wished that I will be with Ven there building a better future. Am seeing ourselves having good opportunities and better lives too. Imagine, my sister told me that even if you work at either Countdown or Pak n Save can actually pay for you gas, rent and food. But such a sad thing here in the Philippines.

My Little One

Though it has been seven years ago that you left for heaven, it's still fresh in my memory that I have felt your touch, seen your smiles and smelled your scent. It hasn't really left my mind. I still cry whenever I remember special dates like the day you were born and important events that lead to you. How I wish I can just go back in time and fix your heart then it will all go away. I hope it was that simple that I have the power to undo everything and you could have been with us. I can just imagine that you would be my shopping partner, my playmate at Time Zone and avid critic when it comes to clothes. But these all are just wishing thinking ....to remind me that sometime in the future we will reunite and spend a lifetime in another dimension. It really broke my heart to let you go but that was the best part of it, being your mom for such a short time but though it was the longest time of my life. It was one of those months that I will truly cherish seeing your first smile and cry. It just didn't come to mind to take a video of you, it could be wonderful to see you still alive. But I know it won't be possible anymore. All I want now is that one of these days you would visit me in my dream and to tell me that you're okey now in heaven. Well, you have both your Lolo Nevin and Valer there with you now. So do with your great grandmother, Lola Maria. They are more than enough company for you. Wishing you peace and happiness and I can always feel your presence and sense it every time your birthday is approaching. You never cease to amaze me...Baby Kirk.... Mommy misses you so much...Love you love you Baby Kirk...

My Game Plan

Life is too short to be miserable. It's really mind over matter that eventhough a loved one is sick I don't need to dwell on the situation that its depressing et all. Am looking at it like a mirror...What I see now is what I get...But I need to continue to be strong, dependable and responsible for this person who's counting on our support to keep him back on his toes. I can't blame other people who doesn't share my point of view yet it's their opinion. I respect it but what's important is, to be the best person that I can be to have another persons life go on.

Game plan? Think straight, pray hard, live as if this is your last day....bring out the best in everyone you meet...be kind, generous and compassionate to people that really needs you the most. It may sound melodramatic at times but this is how I am and no one can change it. If others don't get it then I hope they respect my point of view.

Everyday is full of surprises but I guess am awed again with how wonderful life is..how heavy the load maybe, I am coming into full circle. And now is the time, to complete the circle of life.

Maybe, others may not understand where I'm coming from. But for people close to me they know what I mean. There are things that can be left unsaid..kept to your heart and be just a mere fiction on your mind.

Counting Your Blessings

It dawned on me yesterday how lucky I was compared to other people. It just hit me like a bullet when I saw the two naked kids running in front of me. Sometimes, I question myself why I don’t have what other people have and now I can clearly understand the answers to my question. Well, except from the obvious that I’m longing to have a baby of my own. The harsh picture of reality seeped into my senses and I perfectly get what GOD wanted to tell me. There are things that we don’t have but others have and vice versa. We may be childless and others have plenty of kids but there lies a line which I haven’t seen for a long time.

Though painful it may seem but you can’t have everything in this world right? This isn’t a perfect world as what they say.

I even cried thinking that this young mother of three though she may have all the kids in the world which I can’t even have. Though we have the means to feed those kids of hers wishing they were ours. Yet that seems to be a far fetched dream and until this point in time it’s still a wish waiting to be granted. I can always see those two bare naked kids perched on their window looking out for anyone who would pass by to notice their hungry faces. And maybe somehow, someone might give them a piece of bread or a little pack of biscuit. Lucky are those days when they would get one. At times, they would shout at the top of their voices to get the people’s attention and maybe even get a share of our food.

I can see on their faces they wish they can have those plastic loads of goodies to feed their hungry stomach. It came to mind that day that I should be thankful for all the graces we received. But those kids’ end, the food that they need for day to day food existence is so scarce that they would resort to calling our names to let them in our houses to eat a decent meal.

Reality bites. We have to look beyond what’s going on our surroundings to say a little prayer or too for the blessings we receive everyday. We always ask for more without even thinking that we have more than enough on our hands. Actually, it’s already full and at times we’re selfish asking for even more.

When others don’t have the comforts in life in which we have . Looking at those people living on the streets and begging for food; if you were on their shoes how would feel ? The basic necessities in life in which they don’t have. It’s an eye opener for everyone of us that we don’t wish for the sky because it’s enough to eat three times a day, have a cozy bed to sleep and a roof that covers our head. A loving parent, a wife or a husband who takes care of our needs and wants. Unlike those who are suffering poverty right this very moment when they have nobody to share their agony.

Well, everyday is a blessing from up ABOVE. Our very existence is a gift itself that we should thank daily that we are alive and given the opportunity to make a difference in other people’s lives. Yet it’s only but befitting to spare a few minutes of our time to thank GOD for the graces and blessings we receive. We can always be a blessing to anyone if we really want to. A sincere smile and a warm hug from a friend would always be welcome when you’re down and out. A simple hello would do or a helping hand to hold you tight when you’re sad and lonely.

At this point in our lives, hopefully each one of us no matter what color, religion, gender, young or old alike we can cross boundaries to be each other’s blessing.

It’s important to count your blessings because not everyone has what you have right now. Don’t tell yourself that you’re unlucky and give reasons for being so. You are what you make of yourself.

Letting go

Letting go

After two years of long wait, I was finally pregnant of our first baby. We were so excited that after all the apprehensions and anxiety attacks a bundle of joy came as an unexpected blessing to us. Every night we make it a point to talk our baby inside my tummy and make routine massages too to start an early bonding together.

It’s always a guessing game of what he or she would look like. Would the baby have my eyes or Ven’s nose ? Yet after the second ultrasound we were able to see a preview of how the baby looked like. The ob-gyne told us that it’s a boy, though it took the doctor to do some magical maneuvers on her probe to check the baby’s gender. While Ven was also looking on the ultrasound he first noticed the prominent chin he got from me. We got so overwhelmed that he’s grown bigger and healthier as the months go by. A feeling we can’t really contain and comprehend this growing life inside is going to complete our family. Nine months came and our baby said hello to the world...

Two years of marriage we were blessed with a handsome and adorable baby boy. But the after an hour of his life we got the sad news from the doctor that he's got congenital heart disease. Two holes on his heart that would need immediate operation. Everything came like a blur. I felt heaven and earth came caving in. It numbed my senses for a while and was fighting off my tears on what kind of future he holds. Or would it just be a very near future altogether? To make the story short, we went through a series of tests on his first ten days of his life then transferred him to Phil. Heart Center to get the medical care he needs. He should have gone through blalock tausig-shunt yet it was cancelled coz the cardiologist found another problem. Instead performed BAS ( Balloon Atrial Septosomy ) coz aside from having PDA and ASD he had DTGA ( The Transposition of the Great Arteries ). He fought for his dear life right after the procedure yet he recovered after a few days from NICU and that would be his first month of painful life.

Complete with a box of doughnuts, a few liters of Coke and homemade pancit which I cooked we celebrated his first month birthday. After his near brush with death and a culmination of sorts for his speedy recovery and sharing the joy with the other patients that he made thru this far we enjoyed the food.

Our two months in the hospital was the longest days of our lives. It seems the days were like weeks and the months were like years of false expectations and limited hopes that one day we would eventually end this journey. Yet during those times we made it a point to give it a positive light. Looking at Baby Kirk, spurred beautiful plans and a bright future that's awaiting for him. We made sure that everyday we tell him that how much we loved him dearly and we are always here to make life easier for him no matter what it maybe. We didn't think of money as a hindrance for his recuperation because everything happened like a miracle. Help came in a hundred folds from people in which we least expected it. Our baby's presence and his antics made us stronger everyday and he showed us the strength to go on. It made it easier to carry on the struggles we are experiencing. He proved till the very end that he can win this battle not here on earth but in heaven. He was our angel now in heaven but it was hard to see him go. But it was better that way that his sufferings are over now.

A priest once told me that “We can’t really ask the reason why Baby Kirk died that young and in time you’d know the reason why.” It dawned on me after two years and able to perfectly understand the logic behind his death. It was a very painful experience that I can't even imagine how I got out of that bittersweet situation. Supposedly, it was a happy moment in our lives to welcome a baby in our family.

It took baby steps for me to let go that he isn’t with us anymore. Even after we laid him to rest; tears would always trickle down my face looking at his clothes and toys. I can still smell his scent on his clothes and I did this for months before I finally decided to wash it. All of the pictures that we took were posted on our walls serving as a happy reminder that we once had him with us. Till to this day and to be exact, four years, five months and three weeks the memories are still alive and would still be a glowing and undying love that we have for him. I can vividly recall his giggles , blowing bubbles, his smell and his warmth on my arms...those I will forever cherish as long as I live. Baby Kirk will always be my first born, the baby we had been waiting for so long...yet ‘twas was just a memory in our hearts and minds...

For my little boy, it's so hard letting go. We love you love you Baby Kirk. Daddy and I missed so much...