After two years of long wait, I was finally pregnant of our first baby. We were so excited that after all the apprehensions and anxiety attacks a bundle of joy came as an unexpected blessing to us. Every night we make it a point to talk our baby inside my tummy and make routine massages too to start an early bonding together.

It’s always a guessing game of what he or she would look like. Would the baby have my eyes or Ven’s nose ? Yet after the second ultrasound we were able to see a preview of how the baby looked like. The ob-gyne told us that it’s a boy, though it took the doctor to do some magical maneuvers on her probe to check the baby’s gender. While Ven was also looking on the ultrasound he first noticed the prominent chin he got from me. We got so overwhelmed that he’s grown bigger and healthier as the months go by. A feeling we can’t really contain and comprehend this growing life inside is going to complete our family. Nine months came and our baby said hello to the world...

Two years of marriage we were blessed with a handsome and adorable baby boy. But the after an hour of his life we got the sad news from the doctor that he's got congenital heart disease. Two holes on his heart that would need immediate operation. Everything came like a blur. I felt heaven and earth came caving in. It numbed my senses for a while and was fighting off my tears on what kind of future he holds. Or would it just be a very near future altogether? To make the story short, we went through a series of tests on his first ten days of his life then transferred him to Phil. Heart Center to get the medical care he needs. He should have gone through blalock tausig-shunt yet it was cancelled coz the cardiologist found another problem. Instead performed BAS ( Balloon Atrial Septosomy ) coz aside from having PDA and ASD he had DTGA ( The Transposition of the Great Arteries ). He fought for his dear life right after the procedure yet he recovered after a few days from NICU and that would be his first month of painful life.

Complete with a box of doughnuts, a few liters of Coke and homemade pancit which I cooked we celebrated his first month birthday. After his near brush with death and a culmination of sorts for his speedy recovery and sharing the joy with the other patients that he made thru this far we enjoyed the food.

Our two months in the hospital was the longest days of our lives. It seems the days were like weeks and the months were like years of false expectations and limited hopes that one day we would eventually end this journey. Yet during those times we made it a point to give it a positive light. Looking at Baby Kirk, spurred beautiful plans and a bright future that's awaiting for him. We made sure that everyday we tell him that how much we loved him dearly and we are always here to make life easier for him no matter what it maybe. We didn't think of money as a hindrance for his recuperation because everything happened like a miracle. Help came in a hundred folds from people in which we least expected it. Our baby's presence and his antics made us stronger everyday and he showed us the strength to go on. It made it easier to carry on the struggles we are experiencing. He proved till the very end that he can win this battle not here on earth but in heaven. He was our angel now in heaven but it was hard to see him go. But it was better that way that his sufferings are over now.

A priest once told me that “We can’t really ask the reason why Baby Kirk died that young and in time you’d know the reason why.” It dawned on me after two years and able to perfectly understand the logic behind his death. It was a very painful experience that I can't even imagine how I got out of that bittersweet situation. Supposedly, it was a happy moment in our lives to welcome a baby in our family.

It took baby steps for me to let go that he isn’t with us anymore. Even after we laid him to rest; tears would always trickle down my face looking at his clothes and toys. I can still smell his scent on his clothes and I did this for months before I finally decided to wash it. All of the pictures that we took were posted on our walls serving as a happy reminder that we once had him with us. Till to this day and to be exact, four years, five months and three weeks the memories are still alive and would still be a glowing and undying love that we have for him. I can vividly recall his giggles , blowing bubbles, his smell and his warmth on my arms...those I will forever cherish as long as I live. Baby Kirk will always be my first born, the baby we had been waiting for so long...yet ‘twas was just a memory in our hearts and minds...

For my little boy, it's so hard letting go. We love you love you Baby Kirk. Daddy and I missed so much...